Hank's Turdblog of Love

2008-12-31T19:29:00.000-08:00

2008-10-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

i pooped two times today. so did mike, he told me.

2008-05-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

This kid is so lucky!!!

It get's to live where it snows.

2008-03-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

dear nelly,

i was casually perusing the internet and came across an article i thought might interest you. i know that it will be some time before you will ever have to utilize the mentioned device but when that inevitable time comes, i would want for you to be as knowledgable and informed as possible. you should share this information with your humans as they will be the ones making the ultimate decision.

my human made me get 7 teeth pulled yesterday. i thought i would be upset about it but, turns out, the pain meds rock and make everything okay.

can't wait to hang out soon, you're a supermodel. plus, we make similar ewok noises.

love hank

2008-02-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

peeing on things (i repeat, things)

i pee on a lot of things. every dog does. what instinct is in us that says: "dog, you cannot fully empty your extremely small, overloaded, unnecessarily exerted bladder on this bush/tree/fire hydrant because you need to save some of that smelly doggy pee pee for other bushes/trees/fire hydrants."?

i would personally prefer for that instinct to be removed from my already over-instictified brain. if that happened, maybe i could actually enjoy a nice long pee the way that the humans seem to. i have never heard a dog, while peeing, think "aaaahhhhh, that feels goooood."

nope, instead it's "QUICK! GOTTA CUT IT OFF BEFORE IT'S ALL GONE!!! I SEE MORE BUSHES!!! I SEE ANOTHER TREE!!! TAKE ME THERE!!! NOW! TAKE ME OVER THERE!!!"

so not relaxing or relieving.

2008-02-29T13:43:00.000-08:00

dude...

...hang 20!

2008-02-21T16:19:00.000-08:00

alcohol is not a drug, is it?

2007-12-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

oh man, i should update this thing.
oh, what'd'ya know, i just did.
hank...out.

2007-11-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

my new best friend...

psych! murray, aka shrek, doesn't actually like me too much. i am hoping to change that with some funky butt sniffing love (not in the gay way) and a couple more trips to the dog park.

2007-10-31T13:29:00.001-07:00

It's Halloween...

...and I am going as a Hot Dog.

I am hot every GDday. You know you love my messed up grill.

2007-01-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

I didn't win any bets but, man o' man, was it funny watching my caretakers give each other crap about who is/was right about some stupid song sung by some stupid band. But I am glad this is finally settled, now maybe someone will pay attention to me.

Here is a new bet:

I bet they will not find my latest poo in the house for a very loooong time. Heh.

2006-09-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

I'm up early today...

...because I never went to sleep last night. I was up all night reading about my good buddy Marmaduke. I made some puddles on the floor laughing so hard at this. Well, nap time.

2006-09-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

My uncle the "__________"

Joesapartment101. On YouTube. Subscribe to it.

2006-07-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

That's all I'm saying...ahem, barking. Jim took this pic 'cuz he is always lookin' out for me. He's my dawg.

2006-07-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Happy July 4th of July...

From my South Park character of the same name, HankDog.

2006-07-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

Road tripping...

I have taken many a leak along I-75 from Naples to Tampa/Clearwater/St. Pete. On strangers car tires, prospective new residences and the adjoining yards, palm trees on the beach where I was (illegally) romping around and, for the first time, in the Gulf of Mexico. I don't like swimming or being wet but I was forced in my someone bigger and stronger than me. So I had my revenge by pee-peeing on them. Heh.

I guess it is a medical fact that I age 7x faster than a human. So that means that for every one human calendar year, I age 7 dog years. That means that, on a road trip, every one hour in the car for humans feels like approximately 7 hours in the car for me. WTF?! That explains why I am totally bored and car sick and trying to sleep after five human minutes.

Human caretakers, could you please keep the previous facts in mind when you are deciding when and where we doggies go...sheesh.

2006-06-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Mother Nature,

You suck.

Love,
Hank

2006-06-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

Me, me , me, me - not as young as I used to be or as kick-arse as I'm going to get. How do you like my flowazzz dog?

2006-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

Sixer Sixer Sixer

I want to visit Hell. Seems AWESOME!!!

2006-05-31T11:22:00.000-07:00

The Florida heat is getting to me. I am, after all, covered in fur. I want a raft in the pool with floating bowl holders and I want those bowls filled with this beer. All I ever get is a custard cup full of Miller Lite. I suppose beggars can't be choosers.

Dear Moose and Steph,

Can I move in with you? I clean kitchen floors and am an excellent garbage disposal.

Sincerely yours (if you want me),
Hank

2006-05-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

STRONG MAN and PIRATE CONTEST...

These guys won, COUCH DOWN!!! ARRRRG!

2006-05-16T08:48:00.000-07:00

Boating for Mother's Day!!!

We were supposed to go to Bimini but the waves were about 4x what was forecast which made for some severe seasickness and half of the fam chumming the water, gross. Here are some more highlights followed by pics:

-Snorkeling on a reef in the keys where we saw a nurse shark, many a pretty fish and a BARRACUDA!!!!
-Lots of cocktails and food
-Practical jokes (a blankie went overboard and fish attacking snorkelers)
-Tropical fish like to eat brown trout
-Not enough SPF on the white boys
-Securing for sea is very important (now I get it Jim)
-It was the best Mother's Day ever according to the one Mother that was on board
-There is now a new meaning for the term 'Cabin Fever'
-People spent too much time in the hot tub
-My bladder is bigger and stronger than ever
-Saltwater tastes terrible!!!!
-Guacamole Doritos and onion dip tastes wonderful

2006-05-16T08:46:00.000-07:00

awaiting my beer and biscuits

2006-05-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

really awesome fish

2006-05-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

really big tarpon right
off the boat at the dock

2006-05-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

The awesome dude who was playin reggae tunes at the resort lagoon pool

2006-05-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day morning

2006-05-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

Getting scolded (I repeat, Guacamole Doritos are gooood :)

2006-05-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

Who thinks this is cool?!

I met Yngwie Malmsteen the other day. And when I say 'I' what I really mean is my Uncle Joe. His music studio is right next to Yngwie's rehersal studio and since Yngwie is touring soon, he's there a lot. Their studio tech asked Joe if he knew about Midi and how to set it up. Joes does know about that so he helped them set up. Yngwie showed up and said in a think accent "Hi, I'm Yngwie. I play guitar." Pretty humble eh?

What should Yngwie have said? Fill in the blank.

"Hi, I'm Yngwie. I ___________________________!!!"

2006-05-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

Recording over the weekend

Below are some pictures of my Uncle Joe's at home recording studio. It's awesome. I was there to collaborate on a song for a movie that my Mom is going to be in. I look tired in the one picture because I just got done creating some mad beats on Pro Tools. The song we wrote kicks arse and Missy Elliot had her bodyguards hold us down while she stole it and performed it on stage. Okay, maybe I just dreamt that.

Totally Awesome!!!

2006-04-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

Joke of the Day

A man walked into a 7-11, handed the clerk a $5 bill and asked for $5 worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave him a reciept.

2006-04-06T14:02:00.000-07:00

THINGS TO PONDER.......

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I don't know the answers to any of these. Do you?

2006-03-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

My name is Hank, I am Chinese.
It's been discovered that I have fleas.
A terrible thing cuz they cause disease.
Could someone somewhere help me please?
For solutions I've travelled the seven seas
But found only bees, cheese and flying trapeze.
Medicated shampoo is just a tease,
The fleas remain and it makes me sneeze.
I've tried killing them with Febreeze,
Flea dips, hot oil & chlorine, jeez!
Having them makes me ill at ease
And prevents me catching my required Zzz's.
About the bugs, everyone agrees
They are a dog's worst enemies.
They can live in trees, travel in threes,
And are indigenous to The Florida Keys.
Their presence will indefinitely displease,
It'd be hard to find one who disagrees
That these parasites should be deportees.
I need some solutions or guarantees
That conditions will improve by large degrees,
Or dogs will revolt and their homes we will seize!
So I beg of you now, I'm down on my knees
Please, oh please, give your expertise
To rid the world of these unease causing fleas.
Do so and you will become trustees
And your every whim we dogs will appease.

(Reprise)

2006-03-30T07:01:00.000-08:00

Impiety (noun):

1 Unrighteousness by virtue of lacking respect for a god
2 The quality or state of being impious.
3 An impious act.
4 Undutifulness.

Try and use it in a sentence today. Then post that sentence in the comment section. Thank you.

2006-03-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

This guy is very supportive.

2006-03-17T09:45:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I had a lot of fun. When my Mom came home, I was super-happy to see her. So happy, in fact, that we played the chase game for longer than usual. MAN OH MAN! We ran around for 20 minutes and she got me so good a few times by pretending to run around the corner but really just standing there and jumping out at the last minute when I was about to turn the corner. She never caught me because I have a low center of gravity so I can turn on a dime. Oh, and she pretended to run down the stairs by strategically lightening the sound of her feet on the stairs to make me think she went down them but she really stayed on the top step and jumped out at me as I was about to go down the stairs! That one made me bark it startled me so much. Oh, and I tried to peel out on the tile but there was no traction so I just fell over. Hahahaha! Oh, and when it was finally time to go outside, I was so wound up that I let out a turd at the bottom of the stairs but my Mom is smart. She realized that that prolly wasn't the first turd out of my bottom bottom and so she looked up the stairs and sure enough, I had (accidentally) left turds on the third, fifth, ninth and bottom stair. Oops! But I didn't get in any trouble (see first post ever). I LOVE BEING A DOG!

2006-03-13T06:50:00.000-08:00

This band rocks for so many reasons.

FOXTROT UNIFORM CHARLIE KILO (Bloodhound Gang)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

2006-03-07T06:57:00.000-08:00

In honor of Sasquatch's return, I am re-reading John Gardner's Grendel.

But Sas, please don't get your arm ripped off by a great Scandinavian warrior of the sixth century. After all, you're still nursing that leg.

Monty Python's Black Knight would say "But it's only a scratch!"

2006-02-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

In a multiple choice question, always make sure 'all of the above' is above 'none of the above' or you will get the answer wrong.

Example 1:

This blog is
a) written by a dog
b) a waste of time
c) of no use to anyone
d) none of the above
e) all of the above

Example 2:

Jim Cooley is
a) learning to fly
b) sick with the flu
c) a GFBF
d) all of the above
e) none of the above

SEE?!

2006-02-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering about my weekend plans.

Friday:
Road trip to rock out with Flogging Molly at Orlando House of Blues. After the show, haul ass to pick up Jimsy-Poo at Orlando International Airport.
I hope I can function well enough to drive the car. After all, it is a manual and I have short legs.

Saturday:
Free continental breakfast at the hotel. Then to Tampa to see the coolest museum exhibition on the planet. In the evening, more Flogging Molly at Masquerade in Ybor City!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday:
Recover.

Jim, does this post meet the minimum hyperlink requirement?

2006-02-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

My Daily Affirmations.
Okay, 'daily' is an overstatement.
They are more like semi-annual affirmations.

You have:
Fantastic Friends
A plethora of opportunity
A wealth of knowledge
Original ideas
Family that loves you
People who need you

What are your affirmations?
I know Kyle's won't include the word 'plethora.'
He HATES that word!!!

2006-02-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

This is me. You thought I was gonna be ugly, didn't you?

2006-02-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

Things that are funny (to me):

Sneezing on people
Passing gas on a road trip
Monkeys
The 'Missionary Position'
Walking through wet cement
Cats stuck in trees
'Super Troopers'
Dog poo on a shoe
Eating utensils

This

As a human, what do you find funny?

2006-02-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

I can't handle the pressure
Of trying to stay fit.
My favorite things to do
Are eat and sleep and sit.

I get to go for walks
Periodically throughout the day.
My favorite walk to take
Is the one before I hit the hay.

I've been on a strict diet
Over the last year or so.
Diet dog food, diet treats
So my bulging belly don't grow.

The condo in which we live
Has a weight limit that makes me itch.
So I lost some pounds, impressing all
Especially this Pomeranian bitch :)

She struts by me all the time
Flaunting her perfect figure.
I tell everyone she's not my type
But (secretly) I dig her.

One of these days I'll ask her out
To the dog park for a bone.
But my Mom will surely keep a close eye
So we'll never be alone.

This poem is finally ending.
My typing tolerance is getting low.
But if you like what you are reading
Please post a comment below.

2006-02-06T06:42:00.000-08:00

February 2 was my birthday. I guess more like the anniversary of the day I was adopted and brought home (five years ago!). Over the past weekend my family went boating. I got to go too and it was grrrrreat. The wind, the water, the pound of cheese Milo and I ate on the sly...heh heh. He got the poops but I have an iron stomach. The rest of my family got really wasted and I had to listen to them talk about a bunch of crap I don't care about. You know, politics (I hate ticks) and religion ('All Dogs Go to Heaven' anyway). Other than that, watching them stumble around and pass out with drink in hand made it pretty easy to score a couple cocktails which made it easy to fall asleep despite the boat air conditioning making scary noises that sounded like obcenities.

2006-01-26T18:59:00.000-08:00

Hi, and welcome to my turdblog. I'm new to blogging. I'm actually new to forming complete thoughts and typing on a keyboard too so please forgive any typo-negatives. That is all the disclaimer I've got.

I'll begin by describing my new morning routine: wake up, jump off the bed and poop in the middle of the living room. It's new because this is only the third day I've done it. So far I haven't gotten in a lick of trouble because my Mom is a pisces and they're no disciplinarians.

Hank tip #1: If you are a troublemaker, make sure your Mom is a pisces...trust me.